how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
