I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
