Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
