For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
