i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
