Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
