Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
