I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
