I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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