I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
