I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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