Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
