He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
