I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
