i came on her dog
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
