I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize