How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
