you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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