I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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