I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
