Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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