I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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