This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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