How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I have tasted many bathrooms
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