Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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