I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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