GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
