Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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