You just made me feel so damn special
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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