I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
