just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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