"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
