thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
