....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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