I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize