So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
