If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
