According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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