if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
