last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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