you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
