I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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