Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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