Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
