I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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