After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize