You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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