bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
honey bunches of taint.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
