im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
