why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
