My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
