Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
