Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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