I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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